Year 2020 was the worst year for everyone; It was a roller coaster for me. It’s neither the best nor worst, but at least I met the guy who taught me a lesson every woman should learn.
There’s this guy who made my 2020 meaningful.
I love him. That’s what I am sure about. I let him know about that before I let him go. That’s what I will never regret doing.
Hindi niya man sinabi na mahal niya rin ako. OR HINDI KO MAN BINASA (Because I didn’t give him a chance to explain himself to me, neither did I give myself a chance to be informed about what he feel toward me. Hindi ko na kinailangan malaman. Hindi ko na ginustong malaman. Ang dahilan ko? I gave him 7 months access. Within those months, ang dami niyang chance to be heard and seen. Bakit kailangan pang umabot sa point na nagbreakdown ako, napagod kakahula kung saan ako sa buhay niya, umabot sa point na makita niya ang vulnerable side ko, malaman lahat ng nararamdaman ko, at malaman na nasasaktan na pala ako bago pa niya sabihin ang tunay na nararamdaman at intensyon niya.)
He reached out with his dummy account when I cut him off. I confessed everything. I even apologized for leaving without explanations. After explaining myself, I blocked his dummy account too. I was really determined to get over him.
I love him, but the moment that I needed to explain myself was the moment I figured that he was not the one for me. Do I have to tell a man how he should treat me? Do I have to deal with his unclear intention? Does he need to be my confusion? No. If I need to tell him everything that I need, then I don’t want him anymore.
I cannot force him to be the right one just because I like him. I do not want to change him because I don’t need to do it. I DON’T HAVE TO DO IT in the first place.
I realized that if he was the right one, I wouldn’t have to translate my love language. I know love wasn’t supposed to be that complicated.
Mahal namin ang isa’t isa. Hindi ko man narinig o nabasa, pero naramdaman ko. Pinaramdam niya. Pero natutunan ko na hindi lang sapat na mahal niyo yung isa’t isa.
Natutunan ko na Love + Love = Happy ending ay para lang sa mga bata.
Dapat pala Love + Empathy + Respect + Sincerity + Commitment + Consistency + Reassurance = Happy ending
Hindi pala sapat na mahal niyo lang yung isa’t isa… na may nararamdaman lang kayo para sa isa’t isa.
Mahal ko siya… at ang pagmamahal din na yun ang nagturo sa akin kung ano yung mga bagay na deserve ko at hindi deserve. Totoo yung sabi nila na may mga taong dadaan sa buhay mo para palakasin ka, para turuan kang bitawan ang love, vibe, at tao na hindi mo gustong bitawan — pero kailangan dahil hanggang doon nalang dapat siya sa chapter ng buhay mo na iyon. Dahil sa next chapter, dapat lesson nalang siya.
He was the great lesson I ever had in 2020. Loving him made me love myself. Loving him made me choose myself. He made me strong. He awakened the woman in me. He taught me that I can do better. He taught me what love is not. He made me realize that I am capable to walk away from someone I really care about when it will not bring me anything good anymore.
It hurts everyday, but still, I am grateful that I met him. I am grateful that he let me experienced a lot of things. Hindi ko pinagsisihan na minahal ko siya nang tunay. I will get over him, but I will never forget him. Sana siya din.
I hope we don’t forget each other.
Sa ngayon na naghheal palang ako, minsan tinatakwil ko yung nararamdaman ko (normal lang to dahil hanggang ngayon nasasaktan pa ako) pero alam ko balang araw tatawanan ko nalang lahat ng ito.
Masaya ako na napatunayan ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako tanga. I am strong enough to let go and smart enough to distinguish what love/man I don’t deserve. Naintindihan ko na minsan hindi natin deserve yung mga taong mahal natin.
I still wish him the best. I hope he finds what he is looking for. Yung kalevel niya.
EDITED (3 months after I wrote this): I just figured out today that what we had was completely one-sided love. He doesn’t love me, I was the only one who saw him special. My instinct was right, I am just ordinary to him, yet it won’t change the fact that I really loved him. I won’t take my words back.
I hope the next time I write on here.. I hope I am finally healed.
